A straight answer

Sometimes I do my best to talk dirty with my friends, but they just won't take the plunge... This is ONE such occasion.

ME: What you doing for new years?

Tiff: Not sure what I'm doing yet. Either hanging out at home or going over to my parents house. I know, fun right? Lol. I'm so lame. What about you? Any big plans for New Years?

ME: I have a few invites, but I'm haven't decided.  I think you should come visit for new years :)

Tiff: I SHOULD come visit for new years...that would be a good time. ;)

ME: Would definitely be a great way to wrap up 2011 and start 2012!

Tiff: For Sure! :) So what did you have in mind?

ME: Well... We could go out dancing or we could grab a hotel room and some wine.  I could give you a nice massage. We could do anything you wanted ;)

Tiff: Sounds like we could have some fun! But I have to have ONE drink in order to dance...lol.

ME: Sounds wonderful to me.

Tiff: Extremely... What would we do for the after party? ;)

ME: Depends... what do you have in mind?

Tiff: What do YOU have in mind?

ME: Falling asleep :p

Tiff: Sleeping... Really??????

ME: You don't like my idea?  haha What do you have in mind then?

Tiff: I don't like your idea.. Sleep is no fun... I was thinking of something more fun...

ME: Like what?

Tiff: Possibly... Fornication Under Carnal Knowledge - ing. Lol.

ME: Oh yeah? What do you want done to you?

Tiff: What do you wanna do to me?

ME: Right now... Kinda wanna throttle you because you won't get crazy or descriptive HAHAHA

Tiff: Hahahahaha! You make me laugh. Ok.... I'd want you to do anything and everything you wanted to me. I can handle anything... ;)

ME: Somehow I don't think you could handle the crazy shit I'd wanna do to you.  To say I'm a pervert would be a mild statement... then again, you know that.

Tiff: You're right.  On second thought sleep sounds like a much better idea.  Last time I couldn't walk, pee, or shit right for a week.

Following your heart into despair

She closed her weeping eyes and slowly urged her hesitant foot forward to where the cold stone rooftop no longer existed. Her final breath, which should have been taken in relief, instead stifled and stalled in her whimpering lungs. Even as her pink slipper clamped down defiantly against her senseless desire, she could feel the rocky ridge give way to nothingness.

Far below the darkness voices echoed through the brazen night air; still determined to talk her down from the ledge. Though she had watched this tragedy play out a thousand times before, in her own mind, the provocative rebounding of her own sweet voice only added to her confusion. “This was my choice to make and even in defeat I’m claiming my prize.”

She leaped fearlessly into the arms of death as she had so many times before. This time; however, she would not return.

♥

 ------

Written in advanced loving memory of TDB.

Why are you here?

This year like every other, I expected Christmas to follow the usual trend of callous and cold gray skies.  My loneliness had been firmly cemented in misery, sorrow, and rejection ever since my awkward teenage years (which now fade further away).

Often on Christmas morning I take the time to reassure myself this day holds no more and no less significance than any other day of the year.  Of course, this all comes to a breath stealing halt with the first notice of a couple who so evidently are "in-love" sharing a kiss that seems to pull the world in with each glistening bead of slobber... Disgusting.

Still, there is something appealing about sharing those personal and quite real moments with the people around you.

This year something was different.

Quite out of the blue an old friend appeared on my doorstep.  She seemed harmless enough (as she'd always been in the past).  So, with me being the fool that I am, I invited her inside.  Trivial talk had never been my strong suit and without giving her hint of my intentions I thwarted her staggered movement with a barrage of personal questions.  After all, what in the fuck was she even doing here?  In my town?  In the same room with me?  Stealing my heart again with her deceptive innocence?

My questioning eyes penetrated her all the way from coat to core.

She was cold, confused, and scared.  Though she had always been one of the most loved people in my circle of friends here she stood... alone.

"Who knows you're here?" I panted.

Her lips parted casting words in my direction, "Only you and my sister."

I puzzled and toiled in chaos as my discerned expression was cast in her general direction, "I'm confused.  Why are you here when you have so many other friends you'd rather see?"

"I'm here for you and I'm not planning on seeing anyone else while I'm in town," her sweet voice trembled.

"How long will you be staying?" my breath fades.

Her eyes welled and a look of loss spread purposefully across her perfect complexion telling me she didn't know, but wanted desperately for me to shut up and kiss her.


---------

You see, she and I were friends... Nothing more.  We'd never been.  She was the one I confided in when I needed someone (who now lived on the other side of the country) to listen.  I did the same for her.

I don't want her to leave.  I want her here... with me.

Why is it so hard for me to tell her how I feel?  Why is it so hard for her to choose to stay?

Perhaps because I've never felt I had anything to offer (that she couldn't get better somewhere else).  Perhaps because I don't feel she would ever choose me.
Perhaps because I don't believe she will stay.

-Redfield

Dating without the capability of Love

I first started dating when I was twelve; I took a girl from my school to watch "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" at the local theater.  Her name was Fawn and she was a sweetheart, but she wasn't the girl for me. 

Over the next two years I dated only a couple girls, but no one peaked my interest.  When I was 14 I began dating a girl named Michele; she and I clicked.  Soon it developed into my first serious relationship. Michele and I were together over a year and a half; That borders on teenage eternity.
Eventually Michele and I drifted into darkness and went our separate ways.  Still, she was the beginning of a trend and I will never forget her.

Long relationships seemed to be "my thing" through high school; my shortest being six months (because she cheated on me).  But, that is a story for another time.

What still grabs my attention to this day isn't the length of the relationships.  What does twist the dagger is the lack of time between the end of one relationship and the beginning of another.  Truth be told, from the time I was 14 until 34 I was never single for more than two or three weeks.  I was; however, a man of honor and did not let the relationships overlap (until I knew they were over-and-done).

This all changed when I lost someone important to me.  To say "important" is an understatement.  This girl fit into every facet of my life like a lubed up rubber glove during a prostate exam (only in a good way).

Once I had loved so completely I ached and fell into a nearly unbearable depression when it was taken away.  I begged God to take away the pain.  Eventually I went numb.

Now, here you are with me on this frosty December morning.

I suppose I should apologize for sitting here in my "oh so sexy" black boxer-briefs.  In my defense, I thought I was alone (like I have been for more than a year).  I do keep my friends close, but the only enemy I have to keep closer is the heart crushing solitude I find each night when I arrive home from work. 

I suppose if I still felt anything I wouldn't have stayed single for so long.  The truth is loneliness and the brief joy I find in laughter (from my warped group of friends) is all the emotion I seem to be capable of.

I have tried to fill my life by spending time with  countless women in order to "jump start" the void in my chest, but it hasn't helped.  I have dated as many as three women at a time (dated does not equal sex... just so we are clear).  I don't feel anything for any of them.  It may be I've just not found the right one to bring me back to life, or it may be I really am incapable of love.

I don't know if the added depression I feel is caused by the emptiness so many people associate with the holidays; I have a feeling it isn't.

All I know is that when on dates I will mistake something for a "spark." I will question, "Did I just feel something for this woman?" ... The answer is always "No."

~Redfield

A friend in need...

It seems more frequently people are relying on a tight-knit circle of friends to find their comfort and companionship. 

 It wasn't long ago that marriage and children were preferable, but those number have decreased to an all-time low.

With that being said, my friends are the naughtiest bunch of pervs a guy could ask for.  You may question, "What is so strange about a bunch of guys hanging out being pervs?" 

In my circle of about 20, there is rarely more than two guys at any one time.  Believe me, once in awhile the estrogen overflow becomes a bit much to take in, but most of the time I'm at home.

We have a no-holds-barred, nothing repeated, push the limits sort of bond and it makes for some amazing times.

Me and my affectionately friendly harem have the type of bond that leaves outsiders wanting to be part; however, it's a rarity for someone new to be invited into our circle of trust.

Let's face it: Not many women will sit around discussing the Ass-to-Mouth miracle that is Human Centipede.

Of course, we have our inside jokes as well, but generally they all revolve around relationships (or lack there of) and sex.

For Christmas, we gathered for an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party that ended up with a large reindeer ornament being violated rectally with anal beads (which were part of our "Dirty Santa" gift exchange).

 

Anyway, before I actually started my blog I wanted to give you an idea of the type of humor and trouble you can expect to find.  I will talk to you again VERY SOON...

-Redfield