I first started dating when I was twelve; I took a girl from my school to watch "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" at the local theater. Her name was Fawn and she was a sweetheart, but she wasn't the girl for me.
Over the next two years I dated only a couple girls, but no one peaked my interest. When I was 14 I began dating a girl named Michele; she and I clicked. Soon it developed into my first serious relationship. Michele and I were together over a year and a half; That borders on teenage eternity.
Eventually Michele and I drifted into darkness and went our separate ways. Still, she was the beginning of a trend and I will never forget her.
Long relationships seemed to be "my thing" through high school; my shortest being six months (because she cheated on me). But, that is a story for another time.
What still grabs my attention to this day isn't the length of the relationships. What does twist the dagger is the lack of time between the end of one relationship and the beginning of another. Truth be told, from the time I was 14 until 34 I was never single for more than two or three weeks. I was; however, a man of honor and did not let the relationships overlap (until I knew they were over-and-done).
This all changed when I lost someone important to me. To say "important" is an understatement. This girl fit into every facet of my life like a lubed up rubber glove during a prostate exam (only in a good way).
Once I had loved so completely I ached and fell into a nearly unbearable depression when it was taken away. I begged God to take away the pain. Eventually I went numb.
Now, here you are with me on this frosty December morning.
I suppose I should apologize for sitting here in my "oh so sexy" black boxer-briefs. In my defense, I thought I was alone (like I have been for more than a year). I do keep my friends close, but the only enemy I have to keep closer is the heart crushing solitude I find each night when I arrive home from work.
I suppose if I still felt anything I wouldn't have stayed single for so long. The truth is loneliness and the brief joy I find in laughter (from my warped group of friends) is all the emotion I seem to be capable of.
I have tried to fill my life by spending time with countless women in order to "jump start" the void in my chest, but it hasn't helped. I have dated as many as three women at a time (dated does not equal sex... just so we are clear). I don't feel anything for any of them. It may be I've just not found the right one to bring me back to life, or it may be I really am incapable of love.
I don't know if the added depression I feel is caused by the emptiness so many people associate with the holidays; I have a feeling it isn't.
All I know is that when on dates I will mistake something for a "spark." I will question, "Did I just feel something for this woman?" ... The answer is always "No."
~Redfield
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